Why are so many people not fulfilling their potential? What is causing them to be unhappy, and to behave in destructive ways? A therapist tells us the answers and solutions.

Why are so many people not fulfilling their potential? What is causing them to be unhappy, and to behave in destructive ways?These questions plagued me, and I was determined to find the answers. As a practicing Marriage, Family, Therapist, my counseling office served as a “research laboratory.” My subjects, the numerous troubled clients of all ages, offered me many opportunities to collect valuable data. I was fascinated with the results.

Basically, this was my scientific approach. I asked the clients to close their eyes, and to visualize a number from one to ten, ten being high, that would rate their self-esteem. They often reported seeing numbers from one to six.

Then I suggested, “Imagine that the person who you have issues with is standing in front of you. Tell that person what you are upset about.” After they expressed all their thoughts and feelings, I continued, “Now say, when you do that I decide that I am _____ and finish the sentence.”

To my surprise, 99% of the clients completed the statement with the following negative thoughts: “I’m deciding that I’m bad, unworthy, not good enough, unimportant, unlovable, stupid, and ugly, or not okay.”

These decisions, I discovered, are the basic causes of our low self-esteem. These insidious beliefs in our subconscious create a great deal of pain in our lives. Even though in reality, FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real, we believe these untruths and act accordingly.

For example, if a woman is convinced that she is stupid, she is likely to demonstrate ineptness in her job. If a man feels he is bad, his behavior will be consistent with his belief.

It is interesting to note that even though two people may feel they are bad, their behavior can be the exact opposite. One may act very shy, while another extremely aggressive. The same root, just different branches.

Where do these destructive, debilitating beliefs come from? I discovered the answer to that question with the following process I developed called, HART: Holistic and Rapid Transformation. Once a client uncovered their negative belief, I said, “Allow yourself to go back to the time when you made that negative decision.” Often, they would recall an incident when they were five-years-old or younger, or in elementary school.

For example, Karin, an unhappy and overweight thirty-six-year-old woman, recalled a time when she was three years old and her father left her mother. Karin was devastated, and she decided that she must be not good enough, bad and unlovable.

Typical of a young child, Karin took total responsibility for her parents divorce. As a result, her negative beliefs deep in her unconscious affected her self-esteem. Consequently, adult Karin was unsuccessful in her relationships, career and in maintaining her ideal weight. Her guilt feelings and her debilitating negative thoughts sabotaged all her efforts. Karin was definitely not fulfilling her potential.

Once I helped Karin heal her inner child, and realize the truth that she was good enough, lovable, and a good person no matter what anyone said or did, she felt better. At the end of the session, Karin rated her self-esteem higher than at the beginning.

In summary, the data led me to conclude that we make decisions from our experiences. Negative experiences cause us to make negative decisions which lead us to negative behavior. Of course, the opposite is also true.

Therefore, it is important for all of us to experience many positive interactions so that we can make positive decisions, feel good about ourselves and be able to act in healthy, constructive ways.

The clients also taught me that we are unique but our problems are not. Troubled adults and children are all struggling with similar negative decisions which cause them their problems. The negative thoughts are like roots of a tree, buried in the ground, buried in the unconscious. The branches of the tree represent what we can see, the symptoms.

Some examples of how people express their negative beliefs are: career and relationship problems, poor grades, ill health, and drugs and alcohol (an attempt to numb and drown the painful negative thoughts).

When we all believe the truth that is expressed on the below poster, our self-esteem will be high, we will rate ourselves as tens, and we will fulfill our unlimited potential.

The Truth IsNo matter what anyone says or does,I am Okay, Worthy, Lovable, Attractive, Important, Intelligent & Good Enough.

I am a good person, and I deserve to be Happy, Healthy, and Successful!

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Most of us underestimate the power of our words. We sometimes miss how our words set a tone. A few words can make someone’s day, or shatter it. Words can inspire someone to buy, or to go away without buying. Our words can move someone to do their best work, or to work against us. Your spoken words serve either to build up or to tear down.

They serve to empower and inspire, or to disempower and hurt. Words are either life affirming or destructive. For this reason we should choose our words carefully. “The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human…like a sword it has two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.” (The Four Agreements, Don Miquel Ruiz)When you are talking to someone ask yourself this question: “Who am I being and what is the impact of my words on the people around me?” The power of your words lies in the intention behind them. Is it your intention to create a resolution or to be right? Do you intend to help the organization accomplish its mission or to satisfy the need to take someone down? We communicate best when we are clear about who we are and what we intend. This kind of clarity prevents us from saying words that are harmful to ourselves and others. It may prevent us from engaging in harmful gossip and complaining.

Gossip is usually destructive. It is often a careless use of our words. We just aren’t thinking about how we are affecting others. Sometimes gossip is mean spirited and intended to cause hurt. Whether gossip is careless or intentional, it causes pain. We may be hoping for a little humor or self justification, but the results of gossip are anger, suspicion, embarrassment, and fear. These creations of gossip negatively affect morale, service, and productivity. You cannot both care about someone and gossip about them. If you think back to the last time you either heard or offered gossip, it probably didn’t make you feel good. Gossip disempowers us.

Similar to gossip is chronic complaining. Complaining about people and situations makes us feel and look powerless. Managers who complain in front of their employees lose credibility as leaders. Chronic complaining leads us into a dead end street where there is nothing to be done. We become victims who are powerless to change anything. While venting frustrations to a trusted friend can be helpful in releasing negative feelings, complaining to everyone tends to reinforce negative feelings. Like gossip, chronic complaining disempowers us.

Our power to do harm is exceeded only by our power to do good. A simple, sincere apology (given without expectation of return) can heal a relationship. An uplifting word at the right moment can change a life, launch a career, or convince someone to go beyond perceived limitations. By consciously looking for evidence of greatness in others, and by using our words to tell them, we help others to build confidence. When we sincerely speak well of others we uplift ourselves.

There is great power in making the commitment to keeping our words as positive and life affirming as we are able. As an affirming presence our influence grows. We feel better about ourselves. Constant negative speech imprisons us and prevents us from finding joy and success. Developing the habit of speaking well of self and others frees us to enjoy life more. We become a blessing to ourselves and to others.

Our spoken words originate from our thoughts. The best way to increase the positive power of our spoken words is to clean up our thinking. We must become willing to think well of ourselves. Constant self criticism needs to become unacceptable. We free ourselves to think and speak well of others by thinking well of ourselves.

Consider practicing the following:

• Affirm life in your thoughts and your words. (To affirm life is to build up, to nurture, to support, and to bless)

• Refuse to gossip. Commit to saying only words that are uplifting or helpful to others.

• Refuse to listen to gossip. Compassionately tell others it is beneath them to gossip.

• Refuse to indulge in complaining about another person.

• Refuse to dwell on self critical thoughts. Learn from mistakes and move on.

• Intentionally look for positive qualities to think about yourself. Make a list often.

• Intentionally look for positive qualities in others. Tell them.

• Don’t take the words of others personally. Their words are more about them than about you. Let go of your grudges and your hurts and wish others well. This practice will make you happier.

• Do not allow negative emotion to control you. Accept it. Be willing to let it go. Stop feeding it with negative words. Choose words that will refocus you on who you are and what you really want.

Gossip and complaining are distractions and a misuse of your energy. Decide what you really want and apply your energy to it. As you become more life affirming in your thoughts and words you will experience more joy and success, and your sense of well-being will affect others. More people will trust you and want to help you. Your life will change. Affirm life with your thoughts and words and you will find that your organization, your family, your community, and you will benefit greatly.

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Animals are Life Lines To The Divine

My dog, Mukunda, is my greatest therapist. He teaches me how to love every waking moment. When I sleep, I dream about him, and he imparts his nonverbal messages of wisdom to me telepathically.

My life with Mukunda has become the central, most pivotal and joyous part of my life. I’ve decided he loves me more deeply than I’ve ever been loved before. This is no small realization. This love grows more profound every day.

My moment to moment perception of Mukunda has become more lucid and alive. As he romps and chases the ball in the pasture, I sometimes look at him and close my eyes, so as to capture him in a moment of beauty and magnificence.

It never fails– that microsecond glimpse of the most handsome face I’ve ever seen does not cease to enrich my feelings of hope and happiness. Mukunda is the happiest soul I have ever met. And he, in turn, teaches others the lesson of what it means to be happy.

His antics are hilarious! and never to be forgotten, revered memories, making laughter an easy act of expression.

One day, he went to visit his dog/God-mother, who has a life sized monkey doll perched in the corner of one of the chairs in her living space. She had given Mukunda a tasmanian devil toy as a gift. We took turns throwing it for him. He sensed an end to the game after an hour of toss and retrieve, and he took the devil and placed it at the monkey’s feet looking back at us with a laugh.

He got the reaction he was looking for! It would have been great on camera.

Most recently, Tom was mowing the pasture by the meandering Conestoga. He moved Mukunda’s toys to an already mowed area so he could mow the tall grasses without obstacle. When he came around full circle, Mukunda had moved all of the toys back to the direct path of the tractor. He stood in front of the tractor coming towards him, pant/laughing, obstructing the flow, earning an award for perseverance!!Three balls soared into the river in one week, recently, when the waters were still cold from the winter. Mukunda ran along the river bank, watching the current take them downstream, perhaps to be found again on our first canoe trip of the season.

Since that time, balls mysteriously materialize on our walks. Recently, we were walking through a development behind the hospital where I work and Mukunda hopped into a wooden area and emerged with a medium sized yellow ball, like a magician who materializes and manifests his/her desires effortlessly. There was a great ball throwing marathon for the rest of that day.

And he stares at me and has developed the ability to make eye contact at frequent intervals, often sidelong glances of devotion.

I love those moments of recognition.

I often think of people’s attitudes, in general about their dogs. There are two women at work with whom I congregate and we rave and swoon over our dogs. My one friend instructed me on how to lightly nibble on Mukunda’s ear. I have been doing it ever since.

I explained to one of our secretaries my dog theory– in brief– that dogs are enlightened beings. She stepped back and said something I will never forget: “You look like a worshiper of Dog.

“We saw the play, Sylvia, written by A. R. Gurney last Saturday. It was about a man named Greg, who found a dog called Sylvia in Central Park. He brought the dog home to live with he and his wife.

His wife hated the dog. Greg, meanwhile, experienced a renaissance. He walked the dog at all hours, watched the moon travel across the sky, saw maple tree leaves silhouetted against the Manhattan skies. He stopped going to work to be with the dog.

The audience loved the play. The theater was packed. At intermission, the man sitting next to me announced he was like Greg’s wife, and did not like his partner’s dog. He said: “Every night I put her in a crate. I would never allow her to sleep with us, that’s for sure.”

His wife sat quietly.

I thought, yes, this is how people think not only of dogs, but of the entire animal realm and also mother nature, which notoriously is out of human control.

Dogs– are here to obey people.

Is the dog a good dog? Does the dog do tricks, fetch the newspaper to bring the bad news of the day to an already burned out master or mistress?Do they return devotion to the magnificent beast, return the unconditionality of love the dog has for them?Humans believe they are superior to animals. This is ingrained in spiritual and religious philosophies of our culture.

This is how dogs are viewed: as dumb animals. If a dog proves his/her brilliance, people laugh at themselves for even one moment seeing the greatness, the awesome power of the creature whom in reality, is superior to humans.

I am the only person in Mukunda’s life whom he considers to be a dog. He does not feel hurt if I scold him or mind if I get irritated when he nudges my writing arm, as I write these words. He thinks everything I do– is funny.

Last night, while watching a home video, he sprawled himself across my chest and stared at me. Occasionally, he leaned over to lick my eye, or bite my nose. If I said words to him, he cocked his head.

Naturally, he was nagging me to go out, but in a charming way.

Being seen as a dog is the greatest compliment of my life, given me by Saint Mukunda, no less. All the compliments of the world are shallow, by comparison.

Mukunda sees me as being one with him. He moves where I move, I move where he moves. He lies on my feet with sun shining and illuminating this writer’s page.

I am like Greg in the play, Sylvia. I was not awake before Mukunda showed up. Now everyday thereafter is new and bright and simple.

The world continues to encroach with diversion and complexity, yet Mukunda stands as the guiding beacon getting back to balance, to writing on these pages, feeling the great creative life seethe inwardly and outwardly to be realized any moment I wish to remember the Free Zone.

That is where all the dogs I have ever known and all the others are now: in the Free Zone.

The Free Zone exists inwardly, as we meditate, and in the hazy afternoons doing creative projects away from clock time and deadlines.

We will bring the Free Zone more and more into our experience and reality and move about with the knowledge of this inspiring place in our cells and every day memory. The dogs are there and they know we are there, as well. We just do not know it, yet.

Mukunda knows The Free Zone.

We have to be electrocuted in the third eye before we come even close to knowing true freedom.

Yet it’s there and your dog will show it to you.

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